Hot Pulp - Celebrity Pictures and Wordsmithery

Halle Berry continues to be the greatest woman alive ...

2008-10-28T07:53:00.002-04:00

"You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That's all true, and, in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damn good orgasms. They're much better orgasms than when I was 22, and I wouldn't let a man control that. Not anymore. Now, I'd invite them to participate. I've learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate." - HalleBerry, Esquire magazine

Be sure to check out my upcoming book "Halle Berry: the greatest woman that ever lived".

Jenny McCarthy is crazy hot ... or is that crazy and hot?

2008-10-23T09:01:00.000-04:00

Here is a list of things I know about Jenny McCarthy:
1. She dates Jim Carrey;
2. She isn’t too picky about sex with men or women;
3. She thinks that vaccinations can cause autism;
4. She is hot; and
5. I have lots of pictures of her naked.

Jenny McCarthy is just living proof that hot people can get away with a lot more crap than the rest of us. Well, not me since I am hotter than Jenny McCarthy and the sun put together and all wrapped up in a Twinkie. It’s a burden, I know, but you just have to try to get by, one day at a time.

Jessica Simpson carries her own weight (in her big ol' rack)!

2008-10-23T07:02:00.000-04:00

Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Tony Romo – Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys – was unable to play in Sunday’s game because of a bruised pinkie finger. Now, you may wonder how that is relevant to this blog? Well, it’s because Jessica Simpson doesn’t quit. I mean look at her new country music! Sure it sucks. Sure, no one likes it. But she is out there, day after day, putting on shows.

This probably would have been a more appropriate post like 3 or 4 days ago, but I have been busy trying to clean out my liquor cabinet (with my mouth) before the annual visit of the celestial being Shith-nu at the height of the harvest moon – either that or I had another one of those hallucinations from the tequila and Pledge shots I have been drinking ...

Christina Aguilera is not happy - but I am!

2008-10-21T15:05:00.000-04:00

Speaking of marriages, it looks to me like Christina Aguilera might not be so happy with her husband these days. Either that, or someone just fed her a huge crap sandwich – no, it’s probably the dude.

I have to say I kind of like the guy. I mean sure he took the dirtiest girl off the market and then knocked her up, but damn, look at what it did for those titties. Now I am not saying that Christina Aguilera has big boobs, I’m just saying that her boobs are huge.

Madonna is Single - I got this one ...

2008-10-21T10:03:00.000-04:00

I hate to say that I called it (like 6 months ago) but Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. Maybe it’s because of A-Rod, or maybe 9 years of pretending not to be a sex maniac was enough for Madonna. Well, either way, all that is left is to figure out how to split up their half-a-billion-dollar fortune, and decide who gets to keep the penis.

Now I don’t want to seem like the kind of guy who can be bought, but I would marry Madonna for a few million. Who am I kidding, I would probably marry her for a smack on the ass and a milkshake.

Ursula Andress! No, that's "Foreign Flicks" ...

2008-10-15T08:34:00.003-04:00

Ursula Andress was astonished when she was diagnosed with osteoporosis - because she didn't think a Bond girl should get the disease. The 72-year-old actress - who played Honey Ryder in 'Dr. No' - has spoken of her worry at being told she had the 'brittle bone' condition, and surprisingly her first concern was that she would not be able to tend to her lawn.

Ursula Andress said: "I thought, 'My God, what am I going to do?' I was sure osteoporosis wasn't for me, a former James Bond girl who travelled, swam, walked miles every day and who had a beautiful garden to keep up." – BANG media

Daisy de la Hoya gets her own TV show?

2008-10-14T13:38:00.003-04:00

This is totally it, the sign that we are approaching the end of the world (or at least the end of original ideas for TV shows) – "Rock of Love" reject Daisy De La Hoya is getting her own reality show on VH1 called "Daisy of Love". Casting calls are underway right now at Daisyoflovecasting.com. So if you think it would be fun to spend a few weeks in a drunken contest to bang a quasi-celebrity/stripper, then sign up early and often.

There is a chance that maybe they are not close, but I want to know where Oscar de la Hoya is in all this. Actually, that could make am interesting twist to the show – right before the big final date, Oscar comes out and pounds the dude into the ground for talking smack about his cousin Daisy de la Hoya! Now that is some good down-home type TV fun, y’all!

Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown shows off her Talents!

2008-10-10T08:40:00.005-04:00

Here is your Friday puzzle: How does a mostly unemployed former Spice Girl land herself a comedian in the twilight of his career? Easy, wedge your ample proportions into some under-sized lacy garments. Well, at least that is my theory on how Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown ended up having Eddie Murphy’s baby.

Melanie Brown is really a dichotomy of a woman. One the one hand she has a smoking hot surgically enhanced body. One the other hand, Scary Spice looks like the kind of woman that would punish your genitals if you didn’t “perform” up to her standards. Given, considering her history, I don’t think her standards are that high, but my penis and I prefer the safety of enjoying Melanie Brown from the anonymous chair in front of my computer screen.

Lindsay Lohan - "No Mariah my boobs are bigger!"

2008-10-09T09:48:00.001-04:00

It must be Thursday, because the guns are out in full force. I am not talking Afghanistan, I mean Lindsay Lohan. This whole look just screams 70’s - the Farah Fawcett throwback hair, and boobs that look like an Apollo booster rocket.

Lindsay Lohan, your boobs are cleared for take off. Houston, please prepare to jettison your payload.

One small step for man, 2 giant breasts for mankind.

Mariah Carey has Gi-normous Sweater Puppies

2008-10-09T09:22:00.002-04:00

Mariah Carey threw a party for her husband, Nick Cannon, on Tuesday. I am guessing it was a pretty awesome shin-dig since she didn’t show up until about 1am, and then her husband had to DJ his own gig. I would have gone, but I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.

So the headliner at this party? Mariah Carey’s breasts! Now I am not saying that Mariah Carey has some tig ol’biddies, but those things just got a US Government Five Star crash test rating in both front and side impacts (remember, rear-facing boosters should always go in the back seat).

Holly Madison is single (and so am I ... hint hint)!

2008-10-08T09:47:00.003-04:00

Holly Madison has confirmed she has split from magazine mogul Hugh Hefner. The blonde beauty - who lives with the Playboy founder in his Los Angeles mansion - has finally revealed she is no longer romancing the 82-year-old magazine mogul.

She added: "We are all still filming stuff together. We're having fun. The sixth season ('The Girls Next Door') is going to be even better. We love season five, but I think every season gets better." - (C) BANG Media International

Being the humanitarian that I am, I would like to extend to Holly Madison an offer of comfort in my arms. That’s right Holly Madison, if you need a shoulder to cry on, it’s right here. I may not be as rich as Hugh Heffner, but I have less wrinkles. Now, I am not saying that you only dated Hef for his money, I’m just saying you can prove that to the world by spending some time with this penny-less slob in his cardboard box – you might also be able to write it off on your taxes as “Charity Work”!

Halle Berry is the sexiest woman alive

2008-10-08T08:35:00.004-04:00

I am sure this isn’t news to anyone - Halle Berry was named by Esquire Magazine as the sexiest woman alive. Personally, I can’t claim to have ever seen a Halle Berry movie, but I do have a large “highlight” reel (thank you YouTube!) of her hottest and most nude moments captured on film, and from what I have seen she deserves the title and its accompanying prize: Big Mac’s for 2 with the Drunk Donkey!

Of course, I have known that Halle Berry is the sexiest woman alive for years, but I am not the editor of a magazine for gay men. Now, I am not saying that Esquire is exclusively a magazine for gay men, just that caring that much about your clothes, hair-style and watches might mean you are homosexual. Unless Esquire magazine is actually about motorbikes and cheats for Paper Mario 6 in which case I retract that statement.

Jennifer Aniston in a Bikini

2008-10-03T08:55:00.002-04:00

That last bikini post left a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth, and I didn’t think it was a good way to kick off a weekend. So to make up for it, here are a few pictures of Jennifer Aniston in a bikini. Now there is something that can leave a bad taste in my mouth! BAM!

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson - the Bikini Pictorial

2008-10-03T08:27:00.003-04:00

Ok, by now we all know that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson (who I also affectionately refer to as “da man”) are involved in a lesbian affair. Or maybe they are just experimenting with stuff that they should have in college? Or maybe this is just the proper rebound course after you date Wilmer Valderrama? Really I don’t know. All I know is I would rather see Lindsay Lohan in a bikini than some other celebrity lesbians like, for example, Ellen DeGeneres.

Maybe this is a brilliant career move by Lindsay Lohan. Just date another chick for a while, then secretly get married to a respectable guy (Lindsay, I would need to check my calendar, but I think I have the next few years open!) and announce to the world that all your drinking and other problems were a result of your confusion over your sexuality. Go on Oprah and everyone will love you again, and the movie offer should start rolling in – hey, it worked for Angelina Jolie!

Scarlett Johansson is married

2008-09-30T10:52:00.003-04:00

Ryan Reynolds, who was once engaged to fellow Canadian Alanis Morrisette, is officially off the market. His reps have confirmed the rumors. He has tied the knot with his current girlfriend and actress Scarlett Johansson.

After a brief, four month engagement, the duo, who have carried on a private relationship much out of the view of the paparazzi, had a quiet wedding outside of Ryan's hometown in Vancouver, British Columbia.

The ceremony was reported to be small and quaint with only their closest friends and family in attendance. Like a movie, the backdrop for the ceremony was on wilderness preserve.

This is the first marriage for both Reynolds, 31 and Johansson, 23. The couple have been vigilant about keeping their relationship private and out of the prying eyes of the media. Even their wedding, after such a short engagement, was a total surprise and nobody saw it coming. Hopefully their efforts to keep their personal affairs and private lives to themselves will result in another successful Hollywood relationship. – eCanadaNow.com

* Sniff. Tear

Heather Locklear gets caught on smack!

2008-09-30T09:40:00.002-04:00

Even as questions arose Monday about the California Highway Patrol's handling of Heather Locklear's arrest on impaired driving charges, friends and associates of the actress expressed concerns about her psychological well-being and heavy use of anti-anxiety drugs.

According to a Locklear pal, ''Heather takes drugs like Xanax by the carload.'' The friend hopes this most recent incident ''will lead her to get off the pills and really get back on track.''

Now I am not trying to say that Heather Locklear is on smack, I am just saying that Heather Locklear has been arrested on suspicion of being on smack. Now, do I really care? Well, no. Seems to me that a severe smack addiction could lead to some bad career choices and probably some desperation nudity. I mean, look what happened to Farah Fawcett!!

Jessica Alba gets her bikini on - and I feel human again

2008-09-24T08:26:00.002-04:00

Pretty much everyone knows that Jessica Alba recently had a baby. For me personally I lose interest once I know that those boobs are being used for more than motor-boating. The last thing I want to thing about when I am using those sweater puppies like a speed bag is that they are the human equivalent of a Jamba Juice dispenser (I am pretty sure it’s banana kiwi right?). But I suppose either way she just passed Christina Aguilera for the title of World’s Hottest MILF.

Anyhow, here are some candid (read “telephoto from the bushes”) shots of Jessica Alba in a bikini on vacation in Cabo San Lucas. Now, unlike some other celebrity bloggers who just post dozens of photos, I have carefully selected and edited these pictures to maximize Jessica Alba’s exposure, without you having the risk of accidentally having to look at her baby. Hey, it’s what I do! And everything I do, I do it for you (props to Bryan Adams for that zinger of a closer!).

Victoria Beckham buys her clothes from flea markets.

2008-09-23T14:30:00.003-04:00

The former Spice Girl - who is renowned as a style icon - can't resist buying second hand clothes, and admits her own designs are often inspired by her finds. Victoria - who lives in Los Angeles with her soccer star husband David and their three sons - revealed: "I don't really go shopping any more - apart from the flea market I go to every Sunday. You can get some amazing vintage stuff there.

"That's often where I get inspiration for my designs." She added: "I don't really give a shit what people think of me. I'm more grown up now and I've learned not to care so much what people say." - BANG Media International

You know who else really likes 2nd hand clothes? Me. Especially underwear … specifically panties. I know that Victoria Beckham pretty much has more money than Jesus and the Pope combined, but if she ever needed a little bit of spending money I bet she could make a mint selling her used tighty whities. I know you are all thinking that is pretty gross, but I bet I would find you all betting against me on Ebay.

Pam Anderson has run out of men

2008-09-22T08:09:00.001-04:00

Mark this day on your calendar because it finally happened, Pamela Anderson has finally run out of real men to date. I know it’s sad, but it’s true. Pam is now exclusively dating androids. I am not sure exactly when my turn to date Pamela was up, but I guess I missed the call. Oh well, I am sure the battery half life of these robot men is probably 100 years which means that Pamela Anderson should wear them out in about 6 days. Now I am not saying that sex with Pam Anderson will kill you, but have you seen Tommy Lee and Kid Rock lately?

More importantly, I hope that these romantically inclined androids will soon be available for commercial sale. I could sure use a robo-wife. I know I could probably get a human wife, but the last women I dated died of romantic asphyxiation when I had a minor heart attack on top of her after sex. Well after what I call sex - which mostly means eating a plate of chocolate nachos while watching “Dancing with the Stars”.

Kim Kardashian wears Space Pants!

2008-09-19T08:16:00.000-04:00

You know I can’t resist blogging Kim Kardashian. There is just something about her that screams “Post my pics on your blog and make comments about my ass”. Well actually that is pretty much my life philosophy, and is in no way limited to Kim Kardashian. Actually I would put a lot more random pics on here except that the gym revoked my membership after they found a camera hidden underneath my 10-gallon hat. I mean come on, am I the only guy that works out in an oversized novelty cowboy hat?

At least Kim Kardashian isn’t too shy about showing off her lovely jawbreaker of an ass. I mean that thing is good. It looks like 2 hams wrapped in a blanket. And for the piece de resistance – yoga pants. Or as I like to call them, space pants. Why? Because is makes that ass look out of this world!

Mariah Carey gets all up on the Bible

2008-09-19T08:05:00.002-04:00

Mariah Carey says the only book she has ever read is the Bible.

The 'Touch My Body' singer - who married singer Nick Cannon earlier this year - admits she rarely has time to sit down and read, but always ensures she has time to read the holy book. She said: "The only book I make time to read is the Bible."

It was recently revealed Mariah is trying to stop a tell-all book about her from being published.

The singer is said to be so concerned by revelations set to appear in a new tome written by her former record producer Damion 'Damizza' Young she is desperate to prevent it going to print. Damion has announced he intends to reveal his "intense four-year personal relationship" with the star in 'Guilty by Association'. - BANG Media International

I wonder if Mariah Carey is trying to block this book because it reveals in precise detail how many of the 10 Commandments she has broken? Let's not forget that she did marry her record producer - and I am sure it wasn't all out of love. Now, I am not saying that Mariah Carey is a whore; I am just saying that it is possible that she might sleep with people to further her career and she is not afraid of flaunting her body in videos to sell records.

Lindsay Lohan plus Victoria Beckham = explod-o-penis!

2008-09-18T09:12:00.003-04:00

The 'Mean Girls' actress admits she has started lusting after the former Spice Girl since she had her hair cut short, because Victoria now looks like Lindsay's lesbian lover Samantha Ronson (who recently suggested the couple were set to get married).

Speaking at the premiere of the new season of 'Ugly Betty', in New York, Lindsay said: "I love her hair. She looks really hot at the moment. It reminds me of Sam." - BANG Media International

Now that is a lesbian love affair I can get on board with. I mean Lindsay Lohan and that “Sam” chick just feels like a cheap publicity stunt right out of Dennis Rodman’s book, designed to bring attention back to Lindsay Lohan after a couple of years of nothing but drunkenness and car accidents. But hooking up with female Skelator Victoria Beckham is the kind of thing that great dreams (and bad porno) are made of!

Kate Hudson is hammered … and I am impressed!

2008-09-18T08:29:00.002-04:00

Personally I am not that happy that summer is over. Having to cover up my gorgeous legs with long pants seems to me like a crime against ladies in general, but short pants begin to feel a bit drafty in 2 feet of snow! But, on the bright side, with summer ending that means that drunken season begins in Hollywood!

And who is first up to the plate? Kate Hudson. Maybe she is still reeling from her break-up with Lance Armstrong, or possibly even Owen Wilson. Maybe she is realizing that she won’t ever be as hot as her own mom? Or maybe Kate Hudson is just a really cool chick who likes to hit the clubs and tie one on? Who am I to judge? “I’m sorry Ossifer. I didn’t think I was too drive to drunk.”

Kim Kardashian flashes her Pink Parrot

2008-09-15T12:55:00.001-04:00

You know, I look at these pictures for a long time, and I decided to avoid the obvious euphemisms about Kim Kardashian flashing her pink parrot, or being out on the town with her parrot hanging out. And since everyone and their blog ALWAYS write about the size of her ass, or her appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” I really had no idea where to take this post.

So instead, I ask you, my loyal readers to dig deep and help Save the Orphans.

Jessica Simpson looks hotter than last time!

2008-09-12T10:51:00.002-04:00

You can't spell redemption without "dem" - as in, "Damn, look at dem titties!" And when it comes to Jessica Simpson that is pretty much all I am doing ... well, unless she is in a Dukes of Hazard style bikini and walking away from me. But then I have to look at her ... well, you get the picture! Either way, she has redeemed herself from her last set of photos I posted.

You know, I really like this dress. Pink based animal print is the new Neon. Especially when you are trying to conquer the country music scene, I guess it is best to look like you pulled your clothes off the Blue light special rack at K-Mart. I think Jessica Simpson is slowly turning into Peg Bundy. Next comes the bee-hive hairdo. Then she can start begging me for sex only to get a stern Al Bundy-esque "Uh, no Jess" (except I actually mean totally yes Jessica!).