They say “No good deed goes unpunished”. Since I have an IQ of 27 I don’t really know what that means, but what I do know is that purple is the flavour of sunshine. No wait, that’s not it … oh yeah, what I do know, is that too much of something good can make it bad. Such is the case with Britney Spears in a bikini. I enjoyed the first set of pictures this week, but now she needs to cover up and keep me in suspense for a few weeks to whet my appetite.
It’s not that Britney Spears in a bikini is inherently bad. To me she actually looks pretty decent. But Britney needs to remember that her body is like a Michael Bay movie – it’s totally interesting for about 8 minutes, but after that you have to look away … and at 102 minutes it becomes unbearable. Now you might be asking yourself how a Britney Spears bikini post became a Michael Bay rant? I’ll tell you – 40 foot tall robots with guns. Fail to see the relevance? Think about it ...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Com'on Britney does not look that bad
Maybe it’s just that I have had a few breakfast cocktails, or maybe it’s just that I haven’t left my computer long enough in the last few years to actually go out and see a real woman, but I don’t think Britney Spears looks that bad in a bikini. Sure Britney has put on a few pounds since her pre-children days but really that’s nothing that 20 minutes a day on the cock-master won’t fix. Or maybe it’s just that I am a practical man and I can overlook a little Buddha belly to live in the lap of luxury that many millions of dollars could provide.
I think I should join an internet dating site and put that in my profile: “Willing to date slightly overweight women provided they are rich and generous”. There must be plenty of sugar-mamma types out there looking for hairy, grossly overweight, midget bloggers. I mean if you want to be noticed at a party, walk in with me on your arm. I guarantee all your friends will be jealous that you have your own fat Caucasian Yoda - once stopped the vomiting they have, hmmmm!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Heidi Klum and Britney Spears - the odd couple!
In a recent interview with a German TV station, Heidi Klum expressed some concern over Britney Spears behaviour lately and offered to even take her into her house for a few months to try and provide some help.She can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months. I would help set her straight. I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track. She has, of course, lived an extremely wild life.
Apparently all it takes to get into Heidi Klums' house is heavy drinking, public crying, erratic behaviour and crotch flashing. I already have 3 out of 4! Now that I know this, I’ll just add some public crying and it’s only a matter of time before I get an invitation. I can only imagine what it would be like to live at Heidi Klum and Seal’s house. Heidi could tuck me into bed every night while Seal sings "Kiss from a Rose" softly from the corner. I would sleep like a baby, and by "Like a baby" I mean "with a raging erection".
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Britney Spears is at Rock Bottom
I know over the last few weeks there has been nothing but bad press about Britney Spears and her problems. But take a look at these photos from the other day. Now this is a Britney Spears I can get on board with! Maybe it was laundry day? Or maybe she just came back from an Amateur Lingerie Wrestling tournament? I don’t know, and you don’t want to know.
Maybe I like the look of torn fishnet stockings and an oversized shirt covering up booty shorts because it reminds me of the innocent times of childhood. Well maybe just my childhood. By age 3 I was the youngest Pimp working at the Nevada Mustang Ranch. At 7 I sold my hoes and invested all my money into a little movie production company called Vivid Video. At 14 I liquidated my Vivid stock to fund the development of the Water-Powered Sponge Car. These days I am broke – turns out that no one wanted to drive a wet sponge! Who knew?
Friday, February 8, 2008
Britney Spears is roaming the streets
Britney Spears was released from mental hospital recently. Britney’s parents released the following statement:As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed this morning to learn that over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, our daughter Britney was released from the hospital that could best care for her and keep her safe. We are deeply concerned about our daughter's safety and vulnerability and we believe her life is presently at risk. We ask only that the court's orders be enforced so that a tragedy may be averted.
I think they should turn Britney Spears over to the care of Dr. Phil. If anyone can save her, it has to be Dr. Phil! That guy is a psychological Superman in a twill jacket! I know when I am in a tough situation I always step back and ask myself "What would Dr. Phil do?”! Then I shave a bald patch on the top of my head, eat a pack of ding-dongs and tell strangers …
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Britney Spears Spiral into Madness - week in Review
In the almost totally fake celebrity news today, Britney Spears was checked into a mental hospital on a “5150”. Apparently that means she can be held for up to 72 hours for observation and psychiatric evaluation under the belief that she may be a danger to herself and to others. I was way off when I guessed that a “5150” meant she could gamble on the Superbowl.
To show support for Britney Spears in her battle with her mental diseases, the NFL has announced that it will dedicate the Superbowl half-time show to Britney. Under each of the 70,000 seats in the Arizona Stadium, attendees will find a cocktail baggie of Xanax, Percocet and Oxycontin. Also, Tom Petty will perform his own version of “Toxic” in a sequined leotard, with a dance troupe of Pink Elephants and Leprechauns. Tom Brady has also announced that he will play the first quarter dressed in a dirty 'Kevin Federline' style tank-top.
The NFL - is there anything they won’t do to help?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Britney Spears - the fake news Update
"The court upheld an order barring Britney Spears from seeing her sons, leaving the boys in the sole care of Kevin Federline. Britney Spears' visiting privileges were revoked earlier this month, after she refused to turn two-year-old Sean Preston and 16-month-old Jayden James over to Kevin Federline at the appointed time, leading to a three-hour showdown with police and emergency medical technicians." (source: E! Online).
Hey, court dudes! Take a look at these pics - either it's really cold in Los Angeles, or Britney Spears might be smuggling her kids out under her shirt!
Britney Spears breaks out the Daisy Dukes
While every other celebrity blog on the Internet focuses on Britney Spears legal problems, I am going to dedicate myself to reporting on her fashion choices. Why, because it's more fun, and I don't actually have to follow the real news story - if you can call it news.
Britney Spears has decided that either it is 1986 again, or that Daisy Duke shorts are back in style. Don't get me wrong, I love Daisy Duke style jean shorts. To me they have never gone out of style. In fact, I am wearing a pair of cutoffs right now. I am also drinking a double mocha espresso with 2oz of Vodka. Wait a minute, maybe I am Britney Spears?
Monday, January 7, 2008
Britney Spears is not OK
Everyone else is reporting on Britney Spears these days, and being the bandwagon jumper I am, I am jumping on the bandwagon.
Seems Britney was not on drugs as everyone (including myself) was speculating, but actually had some sort of breakdown. No doubt Britney’s breakdown comes from having way too much money and fame for someone of her talent. When you build that kind of house of cards, it will eventually crash down around you.
I know mental disease is not funny, but for some reason I can’t help laughing my ass off.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
Year in Review - Pulp Pictures Style
It has been a big year for the Fab Four (Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie). Between jail, rehab, divorces, pregnancy and whatever else went on ... I don't have the brain capacity to remember all of it AND my own phone number ... I don't know how any of them managed to produce a body of work - as high quality as that work might be.
Hopefully for all of them, 2008 is a little kinder. Remember - if you perch yourself on a precarious precipice, the view may be breathtaking but the fall can kill you.
Happy New Year everyone!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Britney Spears goes as herself for Halloween
Britney Spears took time off her custody battle to go party. Considering the rest of her life, I wouldn't be surprised if this was her court attire.
I am not sure that Britney Spears dressed as a slut is really a Halloween costume though.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Britney Spears will Rape your Ears
Britney Spears, what can I say. It's like masturbating with a cheese grater - sure it will get you where you want to go, but you might be raw for a few days ...
Friday, October 5, 2007
Britney Spears - If she had died young, we would remember her hot
Britney Spears. They say it's better to die young and leave a beautiful corpse. Now she is just a living corpse. I actually feel bad making fun of her.
Here's how I try to remember her. I just wish the papers and paparazzi would stop following her so she could go away gracefully - or just go away.
